Practicing gratitude in a changing world
5 years ago, I found myself bouncing from being a fully embodied spiritually-centered and emotionally grounded starving artist to running a tech startup. I bounced from a woman’s world to a man’s world. And a lot of things about the world I entered were strange and difficult to navigate. In some ways, I found the world wonderfully welcoming. My success was measured based on what techies like to call KPI’s — key performance indicators. Whereas everything about being an artist felt so random and subjective, this felt logical and safe. Input = output = return. At the time I entered the tech world, there was a bubbling up of excitement around supporting women and industry insiders and female founders, so I was able to quickly surround myself with a devoted tribe of brilliant mentors and investors who were there at the drop of the hat for whatever I needed.
In other ways, the tech world felt not so welcoming. It was the first time I’d encountered mansplaining, had my ideas not heard, felt diminished, discounted. I found it confusing to see how I doubted myself speaking to men, how I changed my opinion so easily based on a man’s opinion and struggled with indecisiveness. I found it confusing to be told not to express my emotions and to be unable to, to be told to toughen up, to have more confidence in myself and not know what resources to draw on to find that reserve.
I found it confusing to see how eager people were to mentor and support a woman only to discover that they felt I had no skills and appreciated none of my talent. One time I asked a prospective mentor “why do you want to mentor me?” To which they replied, “because you seem like you really need me.” That time, I wisely passed. Another man told me “it’s good you have me because without me you’d be lost.”
I found it confusing to see how excited people were to have an outsider, a woman an industry insider in their midst and then tell me to erase those same qualities that made me unique and different in order to relate in this new world.
To be celebrated for my passion, but told my emotion had no place in the workforce.
To be celebrated for being a woman in tech, but told to communicate like a man.
Looking back and looking forward, I’d like to focus more on how to speak my truth to power, to relate better to men in the industry so that together we can find an equal playing field.
I think if the tech world wants to welcome outsiders and build a culture of diversity and inclusion, then they will have to recognize that their culture must change as well.
I was really angry and blamed others for a long time, but now I see my part in all of this, how I failed to trust myself and focus on trusting myself more, how I allowed male and female mentors to play the role of a parent and use me to feel needed just as I used them because I thought they could fill a need that could only be filled within.
As women, I think we will need to learn to let go of our resentment and anger at the sexism and support each other in finding new ways to communicate, to trust ourselves so we can claim our power.
That is what I hope to learn as I move ahead in this world.
